Trust
by animemetoo
Summary: A part of Kakashi's past returns...will his relationship with Iruka survive it? Yaoi - so as usual, if it's not your thing - don't read.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Warnings: little angsty, tiny bit of smex (at least in this chapter)

Disclaimer: We all know I'm not the real owner of Naruto – but how I wish I could be!

Millions of thanks to my friend Kokiden for being kind enough to beta this for me. (Where does she find the time?!)

*******

Kakashi should have known something was up from the strange looks Izumo and Kotetsu gave him as he entered Konoha's gates. What were the flashes of emotions that ran across their faces? Surprise? Unease? Worry? Pity? In his rush to get home, he'd quickly brushed off the expressions. A whole month away from Iruka had him anxious to see his lover. The last several hours, his fantasies had dwelled on nothing but their reunion.

He smiled at the images floating through his mind. He loved returning home to a sleeping Iruka, gently waking him with soft kisses and playful nibbles placed all over his bronzed body. Once Iruka was fully awake, Kakashi would then roughly, almost savagely take him, pounding and thrusting relentlessly into his lover's welcoming warmth. After recovering from the first "round," Kakashi would take his time making love to him until they drifted off to sleep from sheer exhaustion. In the morning, Iruka would wearily drag himself to work while swearing he wouldn't let Kakashi do that to him again. And yet, when he came home from the academy, Kakashi would waste no time undressing Iruka and making love to him again. Once Iruka fell asleep in his arms, Kakashi's eyes would gaze down onto that beautiful face and silently thank the gods to have been so blessed to have found his soulmate. He also thanked them for still being alive and for having been able to keep his promise to his lover that he would return from the mission.

The second clue should have been coming home to an empty house. Thinking about taking a quick shower before joining his lover, Kakashi opened the front door, and his smile faded as Iruka's chakra did not greet him. He hurried through each room and flipped on the lights. It was almost 4 a.m., and Iruka was not in their bed. Running through the house, he stopped and stood panting in the living room. No note. No Iruka. And from the look of things, he had not been home in several days. A knot formed in the pit of Kakashi's stomach.

The third clue not only almost stopped his heart but also made his blood run cold. He walked through the house a second time when realization hit him. Some of Iruka's things were gone; besides clothing, these were items of importance to Iruka: pictures, photo albums, his favorite book and his favorite pillow. _What the hell is going on!?_

******

It had taken less than an hour to locate Iruka. Kakashi debated on who to wake up but decided against waking anyone and to search on his own first. As he stood on the covered porch, he was aware he was a scary sight. He still wore the same dirty clothes from the mission and was sweaty and dirty. He didn't care. He only wanted—no, needed--to find Iruka. Thankfully, lights were on within the small house. He rubbed his abdomen in a useless attempt to stop its churning. He gathered his thoughts and knocked.

Hinata opened the door. Her eyes widened in surprise. "Kakashi-sensei!"

"Mornin' Hinata. I'm sorry to disturb you so early."

"It's all right. We're already up." She glanced behind herself. "Pl…please come in. We're about to eat breakfast."

Loud laughter caused Kakashi to look over Hinata's shoulder. He knew that laughter. _Damn. And I'll have to deal with him as well as Iruka._ He cleared his throat. "I would like to speak with Iruka."

"Um…yes. Yes. He's with …"

Naruto appeared behind Hinata. He placed a hand on her shoulder, gave it a gentle squeeze and smiled at her. "Hinata, breakfast is ready. Who's at the door?" Seeing his former sensei standing in the doorway, Naruto's blue eyes narrowed in anger. "So you're back."

Kakashi felt the temperature drop several degrees. "Mornin' Naruto. I'm here to talk to Iruka."

"You're got a lot of nerve…"

Hinata touched her husband's arm. "Naruto. Go get Iruka-sensei."

"Like hell I will! Kakashi-sensei, you're …"

"Naruto." Iruka's stern voice interrupted. "Naruto. Please let him in." His eyes would not meet Kakashi's.

Kakashi's heart jumped at the sight of his lover. Iruka was here, safe and unharmed. Iruka's skin lacked its usual golden glow. The lifelessness of the normally smiling eyes sent a shock through the copy nin's soul. "Iruka." He stopped before his voice cracked.

Hinata glanced from one man to the other before saying, "Iruka-sensei, Naruto and I are leaving. You two take all the time you need." She pushed the protesting Naruto toward the door.

"Hinata! This is our house! I'm not leaving him alone with Iruka-sensei!"

"They need to talk. They need privacy." Seeing Naruto was not going to waiver, she added, "Besides, I need to pick up groceries if you want my beef ramen for dinner."

Naruto stopped protesting but was clearly torn on what to do. "Fine. They can talk." He followed Hinata to the door before turning back to the two men who stood facing each other, but who hadn't spoken one word. "Iruka-sensei, if you need me I'll be here in a blink." His eyes glared at Kakashi once more before leaving.

Once the door closed, Kakashi spoke. "I came back to find you gone. What's going on?" Needing to touch Iruka to reassure himself that the chunnin was indeed okay, Kakashi took a step toward him, and his heart squeezed when Iruka stepped back.

Iruka turned his back to him. "Let's go into the kitchen. I'll pour us tea."

Kakashi silently followed while his mind whirled with endless questions. _Why did Iruka leave? What is Naruto so mad about? Why does it seem several people know what's going on, several except me?_

Entering the kitchen, he slowly sat on the nearest chair and watched Iruka's unsteady hands set a cup of tea in front of him before seating himself across from the jounin. The air felt tense, as if something would snap at any moment.

"Kakashi. A lot has happened since you left." Iruka gave a small, unfelt laugh. "Actually, it looks like a lot has happened even before this mission…"

"I'm listening." He placed both hands around the cup in an effort to keep from moving and embracing Iruka. The expression on Iruka's face told Kakashi something was terribly wrong. _Was he sick? Did I do something wrong? Did he find out…_

Iruka gazed into his tea. "Four years ago…when you were on the six-month mission in the Stone Country…I remember when you returned. You were different. You seemed so distant. I waited for you to tell me what it was, like you always do. I knew it would take time, so I didn't push. I've never pushed." He carefully turned the cup in his shaky hands. "Maybe I should have...then …all this…"

Kakashi's stomach began churning again. _Why is he bringing up that horrible time? We'd been together a year before I left on that mission. I had problems opening up to him. I still had trust issues. We'd just moved in together._ "I remember the mission…it was one I wish I could forget." He stared down into his cup while visions of that mission ran through his mind.

"It appears you did forget some of it. You forgot some as soon as you came home or maybe you forgot on purpose." Iruka exhaled a long, shaky sigh. "If you had told me back then..."

Kakashi glanced up at the sound of Iruka's distress. Surprised to see tears in the chocolate-brown eyes, he reached across the table to touch the tear-stained cheek. "Iruka."

Suddenly jumping up, Iruka furiously swatted away his hand. "Don't touch me! Don't ever touch me again!" He gulped in deep breaths then lowered himself back into his seat. Appearing to have calmed himself, he swallowed hard and whispered, "How could you do that to me…to us?"

Confused, and now shaken from seeing Iruka's reaction, Kakashi carefully chose his words. "I'm obviously lost. I don't understand what events from four years ago would have to do with us now. Talk to me."

"You met someone back then…you met …you slept with someone. Do you remember now?" Iruka cursed himself as a sob escaped him. He slammed his fist on the table, knocking over both cups of tea. "You slept with someone!"

Kakashi flinched as if he had been slapped. His heart raced while he sat there staring at his livid and distraught lover. He willed his heart to slow down, but it would not listen.

Iruka angrily swiped away his tears. He choked once then announced, "Three weeks ago…I met your son."

Those words did stop Kakashi's heart.

*******

**A/N: I started this story last year and got as far as chapter 4. I'm hoping that by posting it here, I'll get "motivated" to finish it. I have the ending already decided…now to just type it out. Feedback is greatly appreciated! Next chapter should be up within the next few days. Currently I am home recovering from surgery and am finally feeling like being online again…but it can only be for short periods of time. Thanks for any reviews!**


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi sat stiffly in the hospital chair while watching his blood fill the tube. _Why the hell is this happening. Now of all times. And why Iruka? Why? _ The anger returned, as well as the ache in his chest.

Sakura withdrew the needle and applied the cotton ball to his arm. Giving him a small smile, she said, "That's it. I should have the results by the end of the day. Lady Tsunade has instructed me to notify her as soon as possible."

He nodded and glanced across the room at the silver-haired little boy. The small child played, completely engrossed, with a blue, plushie duck. _My son._

"Kakashi-sensei. He certainly looks like you." Sakura quickly blushed and stuttered, "Oh…I'm sorry. I'm not saying…I mean…"

"It's okay, Sakura. I understand what you're trying NOT to say." They both gazed back to the child who had stopped playing and intently watched the adults.

Kakashi could not deny the resemblance. The little guy's silver hair stood in spikes at all different angles. Piercing grey eyes stared back at him. The jounin whispered, "He does look like me." Kakashi pulled down the sleeve of his shirt before walking over and, standing there, looked down at the boy. _My son._

The small eyes seemed puzzled at the copy-nin's mask. Unblinking, the eyes moved up to the hiate-ate covering the Sharingan. As if losing interest, he looked away, picked up the duck and hugged it.

"Who's taking care of him? Iruka…" Kakashi stopped as pain stabbed within his chest. "Iruka said the mother was gone."

Sakura observed her former sensei. As usual, he showed no outward emotions. He also did not look well. She was sure he had not had any rest since returning to the village. "Choji and Rock Lee. Kenrin's taken a real liking to Choji. Choji left this morning on a mission, and Rock Lee had his annual checkup today. He brought Kenrin with him so I could do his testing at the same time as yours. I said I'd watch him until Rock Lee finished."

"Kenrin." Kakashi repeated. _Named after his Mother. Beautiful Rin._

Hearing his name, the little boy smiled at the jounin. The smile brightened his face. He stood and held out the duck to Kakashi.

Kakashi squatted to be eye level to the child, and slowly took the offered toy. _He has his mother's smile. _ "Thanks."

The boy giggled then ran to hide behind Sakura. He shyly peeked out around Sakura's tunic before hiding again.

While keeping her eyes on Kakashi, she reached down and patted Kenrin's head. She carefully asked, "Sensei, did Lady Tsunade tell you everything?"

The copy-nin continued to stare at the small child. "She did." He finally stood and walked toward the door.

"Lady Tsunade told me only what I needed to know. But believe me, I will not tell anyone anything."

"I know." He placed the toy on a chair and walked out.

Sakura continued to stroke the silver hair. Her former sensei was hurting. What confused her was why he was hurting. Was it because Iruka had left him, or because his past had caught up to him, or was it the fact that he had a son he knew nothing about? Whatever the reason, she hated that there was nothing she could do to help Kakashi.

*******

Iruka rubbed his right temple. His headache wouldn't go away. His mind replayed last night's confrontation over.

_Kakashi stood in the middle of the Uzumaki living room, face to face with Iruka, the exposed portion of his face furrowed in anger. His hands clenched and unclenched as if resisting the urge to strike the chuunin. "Not once did I question the smell of Raidou on you."_

_Iruka's eyes widened. __Oh shit._

"_I remember each occasion. When I returned days early from a mission…after the Land of Rice, the Village of Stone, the …"_

_Iruka began to tremble. __He knew?__ He whispered, "Stop."_

"_Or even the one time our bed smelled of him."_

_Iruka's knees gave out, and he sat down with a thud. "Kakashi…"_

"_Not once. Not once, did I ask you."_

"_Kakashi…I…I…it's…"_

_The jounin held up his right gloved hand in a gesture to silence Iruka. "Not once did I ask you because …"_

"Iruka?" Tsunade's voice jolted him from his thoughts. Having received her summons while dressing for work that morning, he quickly hurried to the meeting. He had been sitting outside her office for over an hour now.

Following her into her office he said, "Lady Tsunade, I'm sorry to have dumped all this at your feet. You have enough to deal with running the village."

She seated herself behind her desk. "Nonsense. This is part of my duties. I can't have our ninja roaming the countryside leaving little bastards all over the place. They're grown men—for Pete's sake – they need to be more responsible. Never thought the great copy-nin would be so careless."

Seeing Iruka cringe, her voice softened. "Iruka. We went over this. You know sometimes during a mission, sex is sometimes inevitable in order for the mission to succeed. Sex is sometimes the best tactic to obtain the information needed. This might be the case…and an accident happened."

Iruka shook his head. "No. It wasn't in his report. When this first came to light, I retrieved the paperwork from that mission and went over every page. There wasn't even a hint that he'd been intimate with her. But she is named throughout his report. I know he'd had …during some missions – he never withheld that from the reports or from me but…" He inhaled a deep breath and swallowed hard. "I can see where he could have fallen for her. The name. And her looking so much like his former team member." His voice lowered to barely audible. "Everyone's always speculated on whether he loved Rin."

"I'd heard that rumor too." Tsunade crossed her hands in front of her face. "Kenrin's uncle will return this week wanting answers. It's a good thing Kakashi returned in time. This morning I briefed him on the situation. He didn't seem surprised to hear Rin was dead or that her brother is demanding compensation for the child's upbringing. And as for being named Kenrin's father…he didn't deny it, but he also didn't admit to it." She slammed her hands on the desk. "Even as a kid that damned jounin always was an expert at hiding his emotions. Didn't even flinch when I told him he _might _have a son. I sent him over to have Sakura run the test." She glanced at her watch. "And he'd better have gone or I'll drag him over there by his ear!"

Iruka rubbed his temple again. Exhausted, he wanted to go home and sleep but knew he couldn't, not with this headache and Kakashi's words still ringing in his head. _"Not once did I question the smell of Raidou on you."_

As if reading his mind, the Hokage said, "Go home, Sensei. Take something for that headache and get some rest. You look like hell, just like Kakashi. Shikamaru will cover your classes for a few days. As soon as …"

The knock on her door startled them. Tsunade grumbled. "They know better than to interrupt me." She yelled, "Come in!"

Opening the door, Sakura cautiously peered in. "I'm sorry to disturb you." She stopped when she spotted Iruka in the room. "Hello Iruka-sensei."

Nodding, his headache pounded harder. _I just need sleep. Just sleep and not to think of Kakashi._ He closed his eyes in order to hold back the tears.

Sakura returned her gaze to the Hokage. "I'll come back later."

"No, no. Come on in."

Sakura shook her head. "No really, I'll come back later."

Tsunade waved her in. "Sakura, I said come in."

"But I'm…I'm not alone." Her eyes nervously darted to Iruka.

Patience wearing thin, the blond barked, "Come in already!"

Sakura slowly opened the door to reveal Kenrin holding her hand with one hand and the blue duck in the other.

Iruka bit his lower lip. _Kakashi's son._

Sakura lifted Kenrin into a chair. "I don't have the results yet. It will be a couple more hours. I just wanted to let you know that Kakashi-sensei did show up for the test."

Tsunade's gaze went from boy to the chunin. "Iruka. Go home. Go to _your _ home, not Naruto's." When he started to protest, she added, "That's why I summoned you. You can return home. Kakashi has returned to his old apartment."


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for the reviews! I hope everyone continues to enjoy the story**.

*******

On his stomach, hugging his pillow, Iruka stirred to the knocking on the front door. He groaned, turned into the pillow and inhaled deeply. His heart stilled as Kakashi's scent accosted his senses. _Kakashi._

He slowly got out of bed, ambled out of the room and opened the front door. He wasn't surprised to see his long-time friend Raidou.

"Iruka. I just got back and heard Kakashi's returned." He glanced at Iruka's golden brown eyes, which had dark circles underneath; gone was the normal sparkle they always held.

Iruka left the door open, turned away and walked back into the apartment, knowing his guest would follow.

Once Iruka sat at the kitchen table, Raidou opened a cabinet to retrieve a tea kettle and a container of tea. "So. He's back." He filled the kettle and placed it on the stove.

Iruka didn't reply. Raidou continued, "I also heard Shikamaru is going to take over your class for a few days." He pulled a teapot and cups from the cupboard.

"He knows."

Raidou stopped with a filled scoop of tea dangling over the teapot.

"He knows." Iruka repeated.

Raidou slowly emptied the scoop into the teapot before dropping into the nearest chair. He slumped in the seat. "I'm a dead man." Suddenly sitting upright, his eyes quickly surveyed Iruka. "You okay? He didn't…"

The sensei shook his head.

"Did you tell him? Is that how he knows? Does he know the whole story? How and why it happened?"

"I didn't tell him." He rubbed his right temple. "I don't know how, but he knows we've been sleeping together, even the one night we were too drunk and stupid and did it here."

"Kami, I'm a dead man." Raidou ran a hand down his scarred face. "Did you explain? Tell him it was all my fault?"

"It's not all your fault. I didn't say no. I should have come home. I stayed with you...crawled into your bed. No, I'm just as much to blame for this." He glimpsed at the clock on the countertop. "And now this with his son, Kenrin. I'm so damn confused."

"Then he admitted to being the father?"

Iruka shook his head. "But he didn't deny it, either. And by now, he would have the test results. Lady Tsunade said it would be up to Kakashi to tell the results, if he is so inclined."

"Damn him." Raidou muttered.

Iruka looked up in surprise.

"Yeah, that's right. Damn him." The water bubbling in the kettle caught his attention. He stood from the table, walked to the stove and turned off the flame, turning to Iruka, his face flushed in anger. "Damn him! Iruka, you've been there for him for all these years. You've put up with his moodiness, especially his dark ones after a bad mission. Don't get me wrong. Kakashi's a great guy, an excellent ninja, but when it comes to you, he's a little out there. Everyone knows how jealous he gets when it comes to you. Hell, anything we did or do we've had to hide from him." He paced the room. "You've done so damn much for him. You've nursed him back to health countless times, even before you two became lovers. Remember five years ago when he returned from his mission in the Land of Claws? Everyone, including myself, thought Konoha finally lost the copy-nin. He was practically dead when Ibiki found him. I think even Lady Hokage doubted she could save him, but she did. She had him in ICU for over a month, giving only you access to care for him. I also remember you dropping from sheer exhaustion. And what happened when he regained consciousness? He demanded you stay away from him. His personality even changed. He became even more moody, more of bastard." He sat back into the chair. "Why you stuck by his side after that is totally beyond me. I know something went on. Something about that mission that only the Hokage, Kakashi and you know. Something that you won't or can't tell me. I know you've loved him since like forever but how much more do…"

The color had drained from Iruka's face.

Raidou scrambled to Iruka's side. Kneeling in front of him, he took both tanned hands within his. They were ice cold. "Iruka? Iruka, what's wrong?" His anxiety-filled voice rang loud in the quiet kitchen.

Iruka whispered, "Oh Kami. Oh." He stared past Raidou, unseeing out the kitchen window. "I'm so stupid!" Jumping up, he hurried out of the room and to the front door. "I've got to talk to Kakashi!" At the door, he glanced down at himself as if remembering he was still in his pajamas. He rushed to the bedroom, not bothering to close the door.

Raidou watched him strip off his tee shirt while grabbing clothes out of the closet. He was able to catch some of Iruka's ramblings while he frantically hurried to get dressed. "I know we were to leave it in the past…why didn't he say anything!" He yanked off his pajama bottoms and slipped into a pair of black jeans. "I said, no, I swore it would never make a difference to me…Kakashi's pain…" He hastily pulled his hair into a ponytail as he walked past Raidou.

Raidou caught him by the arm, turning him around to face him. "Iruka! Don't do this! Don't go crawling back to him!"

Distress and panic were clear in Iruka's eyes, "You don't understand!"

"You're right; I don't. Explain to me. You can tell me. We've been friends since we were in diapers!" Raidou's voice became louder and rawer as he spoke. "Kakashi fathered a child when he was with you! How can you forgive him so easily? This isn't like you!"

Jerking away, Iruka placed both hands on his friend's chest. "Raidou, this is my fault. This whole thing is my fault. If only I'd remembered…If I hadn't forgot…What have I done?" He slipped on his shoes and quickly left the house, leaving an angry and confused Raidou standing in the entryway.

********

Refilling the sake cups, Ibiki glanced up at Kakashi and said, "I told you that chuunin would cause you problems. Stay single, I said. Fuck him whenever you need it, and just leave I said."

"Is this going to be another of your 'I-told-you-so' lectures?"

"If you'll recall, I warned you that little chuunin would break you. He'd rip your heart apart if you let him in. If you let him into that little black heart of yours, he'd eventually rip it apart. You should have just fucked him and let it go, but nooooo, not you. Shit, Kakashi. After years of wanting in his pants, you had to go and fall for him." Seeing Kakashi's exposed eye narrow in annoyance, Ibiki added, "Okay, okay. I'll leave it at that, but let me just say once again, you wouldn't be in this situation if you'd just given in and bent over for me."

"Let you fuck my body as well as my mind? No thanks."

Ibiki emptied his cup. "You got something against fuck buddies?"

"No, but most fuck buddies don't screw with your head, at least not the one on top of your shoulders. Besides, I'm no one's uke." Kakashi drank his sake.

"All you need is the right man. I sure as hell never thought I'd bottom anyone, but switching is good."

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Spare me another of your hot wax, ropes and…." He stopped and tilted his head towards the front door. A full minute passed, when there was a knock.

Ibiki refilled the cups and emptied both. "That's my cue to leave." He rose to leave.

The copy-nin got up and pointed at his friend. "Stop. Sit. Stay. We're not done drinking."

"I'm not one of your nin-dogs." Ibiki muttered. "Ordering me around like I'm one of your mutts." Watching Kakashi walk to the door, he added, "I'm sure you and he have a lot to talk about. You did tell him the results, right?"

Kakashi didn't answer; instead, he opened the door to face his lover.

Iruka stood in the doorway, his mind racing on how to start the conversation. He licked his lips. "Hello, Kakashi. Can I come in?"

Not saying a word, Kakashi stepped forward, causing Iruka to step back onto the walkway. He closed the door behind him, leaned against it and crossed his arms.

Iruka knew the body language, the look in the jounin's eye. This was not going to be easy. "Kakashi, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. This thing with Kenrin, it just threw me. I never thought it would be something you and I would have to deal with…" He abruptly stopped when he saw Kakashi flinch. "I'm sorry. That didn't come out right. It's not how I meant…How can I explain without bringing up…"

Kakashi interrupted. "Iruka. Answer me this. Are you here because you want to know the test results or because you remembered?"

Iruka stared into his lover's eye but did not immediately answer.

"I thought so."

Iruka's shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry."

Kakashi opened the apartment door. "Go home, Iruka."

Iruka grabbed the jounin's arm to stop him from leaving. "I have a lot to explain. Let me explain about Raidou."

"I know about it."

"No, I don't think you really do. Yes, I slept with Raidou." He felt the arm in his grasp tighten and for the first time ever, he feared Kakashi would strike him, but the copy-nin did not move. Iruka's mouth suddenly went dry, but he continued. "I know I shouldn't have done it. It's only been a few months, only since Raidou split with Gai. Not that it makes things better but…you get so jealous. Raidou's been a basket case, and he's my best friend." He quickly added, "He's a different kind of best friend from a lover-type best friend."

Kakashi's voice startled him. "I'm not jealous. I'm possessive. There is a difference." He stared into the sensei's eyes. "Remember when I said I never asked you about the scent of Raidou on you?"

Iruka nodded.

"I never asked because I trusted you." He faced Iruka. "And I thought it was mutual. I now see I was wrong."

"I do trust you!" Iruka panicked. "I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions. I know you. I don't know why I…"

"Go home, Iruka." He didn't wait for a reply or to see his boyfriend's hurt expression. Entering the apartment, he leaned his back against the door and closed his eyes. _How could you forget? The one thing that made my life…_

Ibiki said, "Hope none of the neighbors were home to hear all that. I have to get out more. I didn't know about Raidou and Iruka sleeping together." He held up a sake-filled cup, which Kakashi gratefully accepted and emptied in one swallow. Ibiki added, "Not that I can blame Raidou. Iruka does have one fine body. If you weren't around…"

"You want another scar?"

Ibiki smirked. "Not jealous, huh."

"No. What's mine is mine. I don't share. Even though I've always completely trusted Iruka, my sense of smell is never wrong."

"So, he finally remembered."

"Yeah. Fill my cup."

Ibiki filled the cups again. "I really thought you were a goner back then."

They both drank in silence.

Draining the last of the sake, Ibiki opened another bottle. "Don't know why I worried. You're too much of a bastard to die. The heavens don't want you and hell's afraid you'll take over."

They both laughed, easing the somberness in the room.

The pounding on the door did not surprise either of the men. The chakra signature was familiar. Iruka yelled through the door. "Kakashi! Hear me out! Please!"

Ibiki smiled. "One little determined chuunin there. Better let him in before the whole neighborhood hears your business." He got up. "I've got to take a leak, then I'm out of here so you two can deal with this."

Kakashi opened the door and was almost struck by Iruka's fist, which was still pounding on the door. "What now, Iruka?"

The sensei rushed past Kakashi and into the apartment. "Walking home, I realized, I didn't say things right, and I'm not about to let things stay as they are." He sat down and stared directly at his boyfriend. "Yes, I slept with Raidou. Slept. That's all. I swear I've never had sex with him. I've been sleeping with him for the past few months, when you were gone. You know how he gets when he's drunk. I've told you how he gets after a break up. We're friends. That's all we'll ever be. I know I should have said something when it started, but I didn't want you to get mad. I told Raidou we had to keep it from you. So don't blame him. It's just that you get so jealous. And I wasn't sure you'd understand."

The sound of the toilet being flushed startled him. He glanced around the room and noticed the two cups and the empty sake bottles. His heart sank. _I'm too late_. He hoped his face didn't show the pain he was now feeling. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company." He stood to leave then whirled around at Ibiki's deep voice.

"Stay, Iruka-sensei. I was on my way out." At the door, he nodded to Kakashi. "We'll finish our talk later. Next time, it's your turn to bring the sake." Looking at the two men, he shook his head. "I get the feeling both of you have things that need to be said, and this is going to be one long night."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks again to Kokiden for putting up with my whining, bitching, moaning and horrible rough drafts. I wouldn't have gotten through this chapter if she hadn't been there pushing me along. ^__^**

*****flashback******

"_What part do you not get?!" Kakashi's body vibrated in anger. "I'm impotent! Fucking impotent!" He gave a chilling laugh. "What a joke. I'm never fucking anyone again."_

_Iruka said, "We don't know if it's permanent! And even if it , I don't care!"_

_Kakashi shook his head. Pain and anger trembled in his voice, "Can't you see? I'm not a man anymore. How can you stay with half a man? You say it doesn't matter, that you don't care, but that's right now. After a while, you'll want, no, you'll need more, and I can't give that to you. Not anymore! He reached down and grabbed his crotch. "The mission to The Village of Hidden Water and this goddamn injury ended my manhood!" _

"_Do you think I'm with you only for the sex? Kakashi Hatake, I've loved you for years. Years. I never had the courage to tell you because…" Afraid he would see scorn in the copy-nin's face while he admitted his love for the man, Iruka glanced down at his feet. "Like everyone else, I heard of all the one-nighters, the notches on your belt. Yes, I came into this knowing you just wanted to fuck me, and nothing else, but still I hoped…"_

_Kakashi touched the chuunin's chin, forcing his head up to look him directly in the eyes. "Iruka, you deserve a whole man, not something like me. Can't you see this is for you? I love you too much to let you remain tied to me."_

"_You…you love me?" Iruka blinked several times. _

"_What?" The confusion, followed by the realization of what he had just said, then the panic flickered in the jounin's exposed eye._

"_You've never said you loved me."_

"_Well...I didn't think I'd have to actually say it. I mean you're an intelligent man. What made you think I didn't… damn. I can't believe we're talking about this, especially now." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Look, this doesn't change anything."_

_Iruka pounced and tightly hugged his man. "In the beginning, I thought just one night with you would make me happy. Just to be held once by you would be enough, but I was wrong. Then even though I wanted more, I was okay being your fuck buddy." He snuggled into this lover's chest. "I prayed someday you would love me." _

_Kakashi stroked the long, walnut-colored hair. "I can't make love to you." _

_Jerking away, fury flashed in Iruka's eyes. "You're still you! I love all of you! Not just your body! My love is something more than a physical, carnal one." He grabbed his lover's upper arms and shook him. "How many times do I have to tell you that?!"_

"_I hear you. And I believe you honestly believe that you can deal with this, but this is something I alone have to deal with. You'll get tired of me…and go to someone else for your needs. I can't stand the thought. Someone else touching you…making love to you…someone laying his hands on you."_

_Iruka stepped back. "You make me sound like a slut."_

"_That's not what I mean. You're a very sensual human being. I can't…I won't be able to…"_

"_Kakashi, there is more than one way to make love. Cock penetration isn't the only way to make love." _

"_This is something I alone have to deal with."_

"_Damn you! You don't have to do this alone! I'm here for you. This affects both of us. Can't you see that?" He pounded his fist into Kakashi's chest. "Damn you!"_

_Kakashi grabbed Iruka's wrists. "Why, Iruka? Why are you fighting me? I'm doing this for you. What you need is…" _

"_What I need is you." Tear-filled chocolate-colored eyes looked up at him, "I'm fighting you, fighting this because I love you. I love you, you stubborn bastard." He jerked his wrists free from his lover's grip. "Life is too short, especially for a shinobi. You're finally in my life. I'm not letting you go; and I'm not leaving just because you tell me to."_

_Kakashi sighed in mixed joy and pain. A thought rang through his head. __Why did they declare their love now, when he was no longer the man Iruka deserved__? He reached for the chuunin and pulled him into a tight embrace, inhaled deeply, and caught a whiff of herbal shampoo. "I can't even be of use on some missions. How would I explain not being able to get it up?"_

"_We still don't know if this is permanent. Don't rush it, and if it is, Kakashi, you're still alive. That's all that really matters. You returned to me alive, and for that I'm eternally grateful. To Ibiki for finding you and to the heavens for letting you live."_

_Kakashi embraced his lover and whispered, "I'll always come back to you."_

*****end of flashback*****

They sat across from one another, staring at each other as the memory of that fight flooded their minds. After Ibiki left the apartment in order to leave the two men alone to talk, they both recalled Kakashi's return four years earlier from his Village of Hidden Water mission. The mission that forever changed their relationship.

Iruka broke the silence. "Back then, when I received word that Ibiki had found you near death in the forest, my entire world started crumbling apart. I don't even remember how I got to the hospital. My heart began to beat again once Shizune said you were alive, barely, but you were alive. After Lady Tsunade worked on you for hours, she surprised me by informing me I would be the only one who could visit you. I still have no idea how long she knew I loved you." He gave a weak smile which quickly faded. "I don't think of those injuries, especially that one, so I didn't immediately remember because it's not…you are you. It's a part of you. It's just like your eye, my nose or my back. I don't 'see' it because it's part of us. We said we wouldn't talk about it, and I kept my word, but…"

"You didn't back down no matter how hard I tried. You moved in a within the week. It was a difficult time but we made it. Six months later we moved into the house we now share. We were still unpacking when the Hokage sent me to The Land of Claws, one of the first missions since my recovery." Kakashi grinned. "Luckily, my 'little ninja' returned to active duty before that mission."

The sensei grinned back. "He's not little." His grin slowly disappeared. "When you came back from The Land of Claws, your attitude and demeanor reminded me of when you were injured. You wouldn't hold me. You avoided my touch. You drank more, stayed out more. I thought maybe you had a relapse. Eventually you returned to normal but…you still wouldn't make love to me and some nights, you didn't come home."

The coldness returned to the copy-nin's eye. "Did you think I was screwing around? Fucking someone when it wasn't in the line of duty or for the success of a mission?"

"Kakashi..." He paused when he saw the copy-nin clench his jaw. "I won't lie…it was the first time it crossed my mind. I mean…with your past…"

"I'm no saint. Hell Iruka, I'm human. Some people find that hard to believe but I am. And like any normal human being, I needed sex. If it was offered, I took it, as you well know."

Iruka fought to hide the anger and hurt he was feeling. "Cheating did cross my mind back then, only for a minute or two. I knew better but you wouldn't talk to me. Even after all these years, you still haven't explained what was going on, but I understand that goes with our promise to not bring up the subject ever again."

He waited for his boyfriend to say something. When Kakashi said nothing, he continued "And now Kenrin. Can you really blame me? He looks exactly like you, and then his age was just right to coincide with The Land of Claws mission so …."

Kakashi shifted his position. Seeming to relax as his anger calmed, he leaned further into the futon. "When I first saw Kenrin's mother, Rin, I couldn't believe how much she resembled my teammate Rin. As I spent time with her, it seemed like the personalities were even the same. The only difference, besides the bad health, was how much she wanted a family. Her own family. Her whole goal in life was to have children, something her family completely disapproved of, except her brother. She made me want a family."

Iruka's eyes widened in surprise.

The jounin continued. "I know. Me, a father? I'm not father material. Family was nothing I really ever wanted. Who wants little snot-nosed brats? Besides, with my life as a shinobi, especially ANBU, I've seen too much ugliness in this world to bring a child into it. Also, you know of my relationship with my father. I don't want to screw up a child's life like my father did mine." Seeing the sensei's concern, he added, "I didn't talk about it because I knew you would worry. Then later I didn't say anything because, well, we were to leave the past in the past."

Iruka stood and walked to sit next to his lover. He placed his hand on the copy-nin's thigh and lightly rubbed. "You are father material. People don't know it, because you don't let them see it, but you are a good person. Look at how Team 7 turned out." He instantly regretted his words as he felt Kakashi's back stiffen. Rushing to correct his mistake, he blurted, "Sasuke was not your fault. You tried, but no matter what you did, what any one did, he was going to follow his own path."

"I tell myself that all the time. It still doesn't ease my guilt. I should have done more to save him."

"Naruto and Sakura have grown into brave and honorable citizens of Konoha. They're both strong shinobi and a value to the village." Leaning his body against the copy-nin, he laid his head on Kakashi's shoulder. He hesitated a few seconds before asking, "Do you still want children?"

"At times."

"I wish I could give them to you."

Kakashi eased away from his lover. "I wish I could give them to you too."

Iruka swallowed. "If you still want…we could find someone to…"

"No."

The academy teacher lifted his head to stare directly into the jounin's exposed eye. "Your son or daughter would be ours."

"No."

"But..."

"Iruka. If a woman were to carry our child, it will have to be yours." Seeing the chuunin did not understand, he said, "Though I haven't been impotent in years, Kenrin is not mine." He stood, walked to the window and said in a voice so low, Iruka couldn't believe he heard him correctly, "And if trust is now broken, children aren't a good idea. Not for us."

***********

**A/N: And that my friends is as far as I've written in this story. Chapter 5's beginning has been collecting dust in my laptop for almost a year. I'll really try to work on it and get it posted soon – hopefully within the next month.**

**I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to leave a review. It really makes my day and encourages me to write more! Thanks!**


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